Please forgive me for not blogging this week. I have just been up to my armpits in alligators. First, there was the return trip to Dr. Wok for Thing 3’s new sinus infection and a new round of antibiotics. Then there was Thing 2’s beginning band concert – he can actually play!!!! The middle schoolers played a few overtly Christmas tunes, unlike Thing 3’s secular choral program which sounded like it was funded by the Nature Conservancy and nearly lulled me into a hibernating sleep.
There are many things on my wish list this year. No, not any non-toxic toys. To be honest, I have been a little naughty this year, especially when I was leaving Brazil . Really, don’t bother stuffing my stocking. But here are a few things I would appreciate you leaving under the tree:
1) A plumbing expert! I know this is a tough one, especially since Cushman and Wakefield and Urban Holdings have been unable to tackle this one. But really, Santa, I don’t think Thing 1 or I can tolerate the sewage smell much longer. I don’t care if he has a bad combover, tea stained teeth, and long fingernails. Just as long as he knows what he’s doing. While he’s at it, maybe he could take a gander at the tiles falling off the wall in my bathroom too?
2) A New Best Friend! I think you know what I mean.
3) Children who do not bicker over chores. Even if this is limited to Dec. 25, I would greatly appreciate it. Pushed to the edge this week, I was channeled Alec Baldwin and, although, I substituted the word “ingrate” for “pig”, the tone and tempo was much more strident (form over substance). Not a shining moment as a mother, Santa, and one which really put me in the “Naughty” category . However, in recounting the situation to my mother, I inadvertently gave her her Christmas gift.
4) A Carrefour where body blocking is not an essential skill. Yes, the aisles are filled with “Christmas” shoppers buying garlands, ornaments, and wrapping paper. It turns out the Chinese dig the trappings of Western holidays. The melamine nativity scene with an outsized baby Jesus virtually warmed the cockles of my heart. All of this is good, especially the signs that say MERRY CHRISTMAS in big neon lights but if you could just inject a little of the actual spirit into the shoppers that would be great. Having to plow through folks who bump into me without a second thought bums me out.
5) A new secretary for Mr. Understanding. If DABR (Dumb as a Box of Rocks) sighs into the phone one more time, I might be driven to physical aggression in clear violation of the Christmas spirit. This is a tall order I know.
That’s about it, Santa. I could go on and on and throw in WORLD PEACE, but we all know that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Just do what you can, keep the wife happy, and have a safe ride.