Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Please forgive me for not blogging this week. I have just been up to my armpits in alligators. First, there was the return trip to Dr. Wok for Thing 3’s new sinus infection and a new round of antibiotics. Then there was Thing 2’s beginning band concert – he can actually play!!!! The middle schoolers played a few overtly Christmas tunes, unlike Thing 3’s secular choral program which sounded like it was funded by the Nature Conservancy and nearly lulled me into a hibernating sleep.

There are many things on my wish list this year. No, not any non-toxic toys. To be honest, I have been a little naughty this year, especially when I was leaving Brazil . Really, don’t bother stuffing my stocking. But here are a few things I would appreciate you leaving under the tree:

1) A plumbing expert! I know this is a tough one, especially since Cushman and Wakefield and Urban Holdings have been unable to tackle this one. But really, Santa, I don’t think Thing 1 or I can tolerate the sewage smell much longer. I don’t care if he has a bad combover, tea stained teeth, and long fingernails. Just as long as he knows what he’s doing. While he’s at it, maybe he could take a gander at the tiles falling off the wall in my bathroom too?

2) A New Best Friend! I think you know what I mean.

3) Children who do not bicker over chores. Even if this is limited to Dec. 25, I would greatly appreciate it. Pushed to the edge this week, I was channeled Alec Baldwin and, although, I substituted the word “ingrate” for “pig”, the tone and tempo was much more strident (form over substance). Not a shining moment as a mother, Santa, and one which really put me in the “Naughty” category . However, in recounting the situation to my mother, I inadvertently gave her her Christmas gift.

4) A Carrefour where body blocking is not an essential skill. Yes, the aisles are filled with “Christmas” shoppers buying garlands, ornaments, and wrapping paper. It turns out the Chinese dig the trappings of Western holidays. The melamine nativity scene with an outsized baby Jesus virtually warmed the cockles of my heart. All of this is good, especially the signs that say MERRY CHRISTMAS in big neon lights but if you could just inject a little of the actual spirit into the shoppers that would be great. Having to plow through folks who bump into me without a second thought bums me out.

5) A new secretary for Mr. Understanding. If DABR (Dumb as a Box of Rocks) sighs into the phone one more time, I might be driven to physical aggression in clear violation of the Christmas spirit. This is a tall order I know.

That’s about it, Santa. I could go on and on and throw in WORLD PEACE, but we all know that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Just do what you can, keep the wife happy, and have a safe ride.

Much love,

Expat Princess

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5 Comments

Filed under Life

5 responses to “Dear Santa

  1. Susan O'Leary

    I don’t think you were being naughty in Brazil, just taking part in all the cultural experiences Brazil has to offer and of course keeping the economy moving at the brisk pace for the last 6 months of our stay!!! Which would explain the extremely large bus that came to bring you to the airport for the final flight out. I know you will find a NBF soon. One of the best things I got from Brazil was my NBF. Still laughing over the adventures!!!! I will say that I too will be having Christmas out of my Brazil closet.

  2. expat princess

    SO’L: Rumor has it that your husband just found the large crystal bowl I “coerced” you into buying at Daslu amongst the Christmas decorations. I thought it was scheduled to be discovered in 2009. Be that as it may be, let it grace your Christmas table with elegance and style.

    Note to those who call me: I fried my vonage phone. Santa is bringing a new one on the 21st. If you have Vonage, you can call me! Remember, it’s only $6 a month!!!!

  3. Laura

    Oh Expat. You make me laugh. Just enjoy the holidays and remember that one day you will be back in the USA wondering if all of these culturally-challenging situations really did happen to you.

    P.S. – And on that world peace thing, you´re right, not on the horizon anytime soon: But if you get your kids to stop bickering over chores, that will be a significant move in the right direction in Green Acres, or whatever you call your ´hood.

  4. I can focus in on the plumber part. And the sinus infection. I feel very sorry for you. To those of us at home, this seems like a very hard move. Sewage is beyond an American to understand, unless you are in New Orleans. This I can not image.

    But the part about kids bickering. . . Christmas time is hell. Back home we are all having our moments, and it has nothing to do with being an expat. I was thinking back on my Christmas’s as a child, and I can tell you they were not perfect.
    Your sisters too are tired, not that that makes you feel any better. We are hoping for the best for you all. I am glad your friend is coming for Christmas. That will help.
    We love you. I am going to check out and see if the Book of Common Prayer has a prayer for expats.

  5. Laura

    Hi Radish,

    Wasn´t the Book of Common Prayer written by expats? They should be able to provide some relevant insight.

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